just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You pole danced in your parka.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
