I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
