god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
