Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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