I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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