I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I faked an abortion last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
