Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
