I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
