I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
