a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
