I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
