y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
