Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
