Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
