I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
