no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
