totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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