i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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