You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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