She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
