I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
