So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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