Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
