i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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