how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
