my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize