A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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