Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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