she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
