you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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