I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
