I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
