I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
