I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize