So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
