Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
