i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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