I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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