I heard we made out
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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