I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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