Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
