Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
