It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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