So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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