i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize