3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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