new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
please come you make the beer taste better
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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