Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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