stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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