I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
