Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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