I need help removing her.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
