No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
