who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
