Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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