i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
