If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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