it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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