I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize