I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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