in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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